@runningmascara6: I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..
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@Eightinchgoat: Worst things about mid 40's: 1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror. 2. Crying too hard to complete this list.
@panmidwest: ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you… GOD: [creates dog] ANGEL: …and for how they actually do GOD: [creates cat]
@DominicStraw: Barber: What would you like today? Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
@jtswhipped: You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
@daemonic3: You hang up "No, you hang up" You hang up first! - Bats going to bed
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