*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
how to have an accident 101
You learn something every day
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…