Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti