I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha