I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.