I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
The “research” scene in every horror movie
the composer
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude