@girlontapas: I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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@SortaBad: I have a friend who doesn't drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
@EndhooS: [morgue] mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen cop: the robber yelled "everyone be cool" so he tried to do a kickflip
@michaelianblack: Ted Cruz thinks: 1. Presidents should pray every day 2. More prayers the better 3. Muslims pray 5x day 4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'm 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.