I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
you stereotypes are all alike
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
is this a threat
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*