My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
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[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Awesome parenting 😂
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
We decided to have money instead of children.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.