Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Don’t we all.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.