My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r