“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
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*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
#MeanwhileinCanada
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.