I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”