I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
You Might Also Like
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.