I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Nice try Hitler
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏