You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.