Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
You Might Also Like
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”