@dankashane20: I want to get a medical bracelet that says, "Shy" so I can I just hold it up during social situations.
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@OfficialMizGin: My mom when I was a kid: “Never talk to strangers.” “Never get in their cars.” Me to my future kids: “Here’s how to order an Uber.”
@edanto_: Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can't do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like "You guys don't know her very well"
@knot_eye: Me: You say all the right things. Her: I didn't say anything. Me: Shhh Don't ruin this for me.
@iRowlf: You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.