@robo_junkie: I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.
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@RdrJay47: I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
@imence2: Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive.
@kiel_phillips: INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me? ME: What's the Wi-Fi password? I: About the job M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
@jonnysun: LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back? STENOGRAPHER: "I Did The Murder." JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed