“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.