*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
any last words?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.