@NichollsTerence: I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you'll be seeing me on the 6 o'clock news.
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@stephenjmolloy: [Spelling bee] Judge: "Your word is unhelpful." Kid: "Can you use it in a sentence please?" Judge: "Nope."
@primawesome: If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it's only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
@Dawn_M_: My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.