I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Two types of dogs.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.