friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
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ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
January has been Januweary
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car