If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.