Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Great Canadian literature.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
when someone rings the doorbell
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?