I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.