They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.