Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Meat Cute