Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
You Might Also Like
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I’m too immature for adultery.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.