me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Good point.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”