I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
This is a true ally.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.