@SmartassChef: I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.
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@goldengateblond: College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
@Staggfilms: ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape? BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet. ROBIN: What? BATMAN: What?
@MorticiaKate: Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"