@SmartassChef: I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.
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@drinksmcgee: I've decided that I'm just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day. In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.
@pplwtching: Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
@envydatropic: Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?