I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
me when the borders lift
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.