it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.