@daplusk: I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
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@ceejoyner: A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
@jwoodham: It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again.
@pickupIines: are you my appendix because i don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out
@TheToddWilliams: Daddy, where do oranges come from? Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other...