@daplusk: I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
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@hashtagyolo11: BOSS: you're an hour late GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven't heard?
@Rollmaninoz: [at my funeral] *casket falls onto the floor* Mum: that's the quickest I've ever seen him move Dad: lol owned
@EJGomez: [interrupts pastor] but jesus was crucified today shouldn't we call today "Bad Friday" or even "Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday"
@Tuna_Lover: I'm 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.