@daplusk: I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
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@TrueTorontoGirl: Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car? Me: I don't know but if you do, I'm not sharing.
@Adam14: When people say "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here", I reply "Please don't get off on either of my feet".
@UnFitz: I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
@carlyken: [interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now