I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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Does this dress make me look cat?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.