I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.