I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Favourite diary entry ever
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away