I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
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is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Dance like you’re not the father
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Bed should get ready for ME
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The little toadstool has spoken.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah