I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
We’ve all been there
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Oh the world we live in…
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
From Facebook just now…
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie