@LindseyEllison2: I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.
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@junejuly12: Troubleshooting steps when your car won't start in the morning: 1. Call in sick 2. Go back to bed
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
@CoatCzech: 1) My wife and I are fighting 2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me 3) My phone is in the room where she's sleeping
@ClickBaite: [Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me. [Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead] [Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.