@LindseyEllison2: I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.
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@Home_Halfway: Anyone ever notice how the word "opinion" looks like "onion", and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
@robfee: I call bs on the Ninja Turtles having those ripped abs. No way you could do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me Ive tried.
@Brentweets: I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
@joejwest: ME: Good date? FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed ME: Then what? FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger] ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way