Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
pelicons
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.