“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy