“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
<—- homeless romantic
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Current mood: Potato
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.