I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
This is my pinned tweet