I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Has there ever been a more American story?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!