I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
knights of the ikea table
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
6. me as a lawyer
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.