friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.