@DaHess1: I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it's negative.
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@lazerdoov: If I had to be in the military I'd probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot
@SufficientCharm: GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome. "But what if it's TOO much awesome?" GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
@NYC_Blonde: I hate when my boyfriend's snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to die alone.
@oxygenplug: "yes I'm very good in bed" *folds blanket and neatly props up pillow* *pillow falls over* "Oh no, this doesn't normally happen I swear"