Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”