‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Hot Panini is in big trouble
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*