Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
it must be school picture day
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not