“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I just love that new Pope smell.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.