I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
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Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?